Liquid Brunch
by Red Witch
Summary: The consequences of Archer's latest failed mission and latest breakup with Lana keep on coming.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone for a drink. This is what happened after the events of Liquid Lunch. Or at least what I think happened.**

 **Liquid Brunch**

"Don't bother to explain yourself Sterling," Mallory glared at her son in her office. "Lana explained **everything** to me! And how you screwed up the mission with Slater!"

"I'll **bet** she did," Archer grumbled as he took a drink of scotch. He sat in a seat next to Lana. Lana looked like she was going to murder him.

"And to think…" Mallory sighed. "The high point of yesterday was beating the proverbial crap out of Krieger when he tried to hypnotize me. Followed by the idiots smoking pot and passing out in their underwear in the bullpen. But at least those lollygaggers didn't cost me money with this latest failure!"

"Technically it wasn't a failure," Archer spoke up. "The long term goal was to prevent an assassination leading up to World War Three. Which we did. And let's face it, odds are Hinkins was going to end up dead anyway. We all know the life expectancy of a former CIA black ops agent gone rogue is the same as a drummer for Spinal Tap."

Archer thought for a moment. "You know it wouldn't surprise me if Slater intentionally let us go after Hinkins in the hopes he'd die somehow so we would be blamed for it. Think about it, with Hinkins dead that does tie up a large loose end for the CIA. But since they technically didn't kill him, they'd claim innocence."

"It was a failure because we didn't get **paid**!" Mallory shouted.

"Slater wasn't going to pay us anyway!" Archer barked. "He practically sang a song about it! It's not my fault! I tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen to me!"

"That's because we need the money!" Mallory shouted. "It was our first paying mission since the Zissner debacle!"

"You never even **use** that pool!" Archer shouted.

"You don't know that!" Mallory shouted. "Ron and I use it plenty!"

"Yeah right!" Archer barked. "I tried to warn you! Every time we deal with those CIA douchebags we end up with the short end of the stick! They've screwed us so many times before it's not funny! What made you think **this time** would be any different?"

"Because **shut up!"** Mallory shouted.

"That only proves **I'm right!"** Archer pressed. "But you two were so obsessed with dollar signs…"

"Like you were obsessed with **those signs** featuring _Veronica Deane_?" Lana snapped.

"This isn't about **that!"** Archer snapped.

"Kind of think it is," Lana said.

"This is about how you two were so money hungry you forgot your common sense!" Archer barked.

"You're lecturing **us** about common sense?" Lana snapped.

"I know, irony," Archer told her. "I mean come on, you two keep claiming you're the smart ones around here but you fell for Slater's lies like Elmer Fudd falls for Bugs Bunny's disguises."

"Archer…" Lana fumed.

"Be wewwwy, wewwwy quiet…" Archer mimicked the cartoon character. "I'm hunting CIA douchebags!"

"Damn it Archer we needed the money!" Lana snapped. "Do you have any idea how much I had to pay to get AJ into pre-preschool?"

"You? I paid **most** of it!" Mallory snapped. "So much for fixing up my pool. And I can just forget about new patio furniture!"

"Well it was technically your idea," Lana pointed out.

"Shocker," Archer remarked in a deadpanned tone.

"And if you're rich enough to buy expensive champagne to drink then you can afford to pay for AJ getting into County Day!" Lana barked.

"Or at the very least give us some champagne," Archer said.

"No," Mallory glared at Archer.

"No, to the champagne or no to paying for AJ?" Archer asked.

"I already paid for AJ to get into that school so obviously it's no to the champagne!" Mallory snapped. "I suppose I should get used to paying for my granddaughter seeing how her parents are utterly hopeless!"

"Where exactly did you get the money to bribe AJ back into County Day Care?" Archer barked.

"It's not a bribe," Mallory sniffed. "It's an endowment."

"Potato, Po-Bribe oh!" Archer snapped. "Where?"

"Let's just say your allowance is going to be cut a bit," Mallory sighed. "For at least a year."

"Define a bit," Archer raised an eyebrow.

"Let's just say you don't need to spend as much money on clothes because you barely spend any time in them as it is," Mallory waved.

"God damn it," Archer groaned.

"You also might want to consider driving that ridiculous car less," Mallory sniffed in distaste. "Cutting down on expenses like gas and insurance."

"Cars need insurance?" Archer asked. "Since when?"

"And I had to withdraw some money from your savings account," Mallory admitted.

"I have a savings account?" Archer asked.

"Not anymore," Mallory shrugged.

"Mother…" Archer fumed.

"Archer it's for your child!" Lana barked. "So stop acting like a child!"

"I thought we agreed that we were going to give public schools a try?" Archer snapped.

"Well let's just say we agreed to disagree," Lana admitted. "Your mother and I disagree with that idea."

"So I get no say at all on how my **own daughter** is raised?" Archer snapped.

"I wouldn't say that!" Lana barked. "You have a say. It's just that I have a bigger one."

"She's not wrong," Mallory admitted. "Let's face it Sterling you can't even take care of a pet without invoking a disaster."

"How many times do I have to apologize for the lemur incident?" Archer barked.

"Once would be nice!" Mallory snapped. "Do you have any idea how much I had to bribe the co-op board of your apartment back in New York so you wouldn't be evicted?"

"I thought they were called _endowments_?" Archer said icily.

Lana glared at him. "If you didn't focus so much on the **endowments** of **other women,** instead of the people who supposedly matter to you…"

"And here we go **again!** " Archer interrupted throwing up his hands. "This all goes back to your irrational jealousy of Veronica."

"No, this goes back to the fact that you admitted to having feelings for her!" Lana told him.

"Only because you and Slater water boarded me!"

"Which is apparently the only way I can get an honest answer from you!" Lana shouted.

"You want **honesty?** " Archer shouted. "You **really** want honesty? How about you and Ellis Crane? Huh? How's that for honesty?"

"One, I didn't **kiss** Ellis Crane!" Lana barked at him. "Two, **he** came onto **me!** Three…YOU KISSED VERONICA DEANE!"

"How long are you going to hold onto that like a bitch with a bone?" Archer snapped.

"I don't know," Lana said icily. "How long do you want to bone that old bitch?"

"That is a new low even for you, Sterling," Mallory made a noise of disappointment.

"Oh you're one to talk!" Archer snapped.

"What do you mean by that?" Mallory snapped.

"What do you **think** I mean by that?" Archer snapped.

"Wow they are really going at it," Pam whistled as the others sat in the bullpen listening to the argument in the office.

"I know," Cyril had a huge grin on his face. "It's awful…"

"Cyril…" Ray gave him a look. "You got a little evil on your face. A lot of it actually."

"I'm just so happy," Cyril grinned.

"At Archer and Lana breaking up so you now have a shot at revenge sex?" Pam asked. "Or because Archer's getting chewed out by Lana and his mother?"

"Both," Cyril grinned.

Back inside the office…

"I can't believe that you would choose that wrinkled old crone over **me!** " Lana shouted. "I mean look at me! How can you compare me to her?"

"Well to be honest…" Archer began.

"Do **not** answer that question!" Lana interrupted.

"I didn't exactly choose you over her! YOU WALKED AWAY!" Archer shouted.

"Because you are acting like a horny love sick teenager over some old stranger because you have a mother fixation!" Lana shouted.

"Veronica Deane is a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman!" Archer barked. "She is **nothing** like my mother!"

" **WHAT?"** Mallory shouted.

"Uh oh…" Ray, Pam, Krieger, Cheryl and Cyril said at the same time.

"STERLING MALLORY ARCHER…" Mallory snarled. Then the sounds of objects being thrown and broken were heard.

Cheryl laughed at the sounds. "Oh my God I love coming into work on days like this!"

"Me too," Ray grinned.

"AAAAHHH!" Archer ran out of the office dodging the thrown objects.

"YOU'D BETTER RUN!" Mallory screamed.

"Where do you think he's going to go **this time**?" Ray sighed.

"Well he's already done the South Pacific, Vegas, Jersey and Thailand," Krieger theorized. "Disneyland? What? Anaheim isn't that far from here!"

"God I love coming to work on days like this," Cyril snickered.


End file.
